What do you think of the story so far

What do you think of the story so far?
Dear Diary, Well, it’s sealed. We’re currently on a flight to Virginia, USA and I have to admit that Will is being a pain in the arse, nudging me and trying to get me to listen to this song on that radio channel. It’s hard to believe he’s sixteen, two years my senior and about twelve years more immature. He’s the polar opposite to my oldest brother Jake, who is twenty tomorrow, and I have to admit he has taken the move better than any of us. Well he’s not the one having to start high school. You know, I seriously do not know why Mum and Dad did this. I was happy at Oak Vale Comprehensive, I had great friends in Sal and Claire and now I had to start all over again, be the ‘new girl’, the foreign one who’s accent will stand out a mile away. All to live in a creepy old house. Well, we took the late flight, and it’s getting real late, so I’m going to get some rest. Night. Tori The flight had gone pretty quickly and Tori was soon hastily being awakened by her mother, who seemed as eager to get back to sleep as her children did. She got up and tied her hair up in a ponytail; something that had recently became an odd habit after her parents’ divorce. Well, it was goodbye Buckinghamshire, hello Virginia. If she had the energy, Tori would have sighed, but all she really wanted to do was flop back into her big, warm and cosy bed back in England…even if it did mean having to wake up at half-six or something to get ready for school. As she got up, she was pushed along the aisle by other tired travellers. Tori suspected that most, if not all, of them were on holiday. Well at least they knew when they’d get to return. Tori didn’t know if she’d ever see her Dad again this year. And as for Sal and Claire, that was a different matter completely. “We’ll write every week,” Claire had promised, while Sal was checking out the recent (very fit) arrival, Nathan Anderson. Not that Tori could blame her. But that was old news and now she was walking up the corridor with all the adverts, wishing she could just fall asleep right now- “Tori come on, just a few more minutes and Ian will be there with the car to or new home.” Ah yes, Ian. Her Mum’s new boss was the reason they had come to the States anyway, and Tori could swear there was something going on between the two of them. Jake held onto her as she nearly sagged back into blissful sleep and gently reminded her they’d have to pick up their luggage as well. Tori felt herself let out a groan of annoyance. Oh if only it wasn’t so difficult. It felt like hours had passed before they finally got to baggage claims and they were in the hired car, on their way to the new house. Ugh, Tori even hated thinking about it. The New House, the thing that had ruined her life completely. She could never get over the fact that they were driving on the other side of the road, and the fact that Ian’s voice just kept blabbering to her Mum whilst her brothers and herself sat in the back, all desperately trying not to fall asleep, as to see what the big deal about this house is. Basically do you like/ not like? How would you improve? And would you want to read more? All opinions have to be compltely HONEST and I promise to reply to everyone's answer ASAP Chest, okay...how could i improve it...or is it just not your thing? Sara, I'm 14...I don't think I'd be writing about orgies/orgys any time soon Hannah, thanks for being positive. Nice to know someone likes it Sloperider, thanks, so how would you put it? Cos I always seem to tell and not show...
Books & Authors - 4 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
It sucks. Don't quit your day job.
2 :
It could use an orgy scene.
3 :
not bad
4 :
I would cut the and keep the story more omniscient. Remember, the goal of writing is the SHOW the reader what you see or experience, not TELL them. All in all, it is not that bad.